A Gay and Happy Afterlife
by PhantomTF
Summary: Dumbledore comes out of the closet and finds that the afterlife is a rather gay place. This is crackfic and not to be taken seriously. Contains homosexual themes.


Dumbledore smiled beneath his long white beard. He had a lot to be happy about. Voldemort had been defeated. The Order had triumphed. Harry had survived. And he had been reunited with the love of his life. 

His hand was clasped with that of his beloved. Although Grindelwald's looks had been ravaged by old age and his imprisonment, he looked as handsome as ever to Albus. Now they were both beyond the march of time.

He looked around nervously at those who were his friends and allies in life. They had been shocked when he had 'come out of the closet', but most seemed glad to know that he was happy. Only one face looked sullen and cross.

"You needn't look so pleased with yourself," Severus sneered, dressed in his habitual black waistcoat that covered him from top to bottom. The only missing article of clothing was his billowing black teacher's robes – he was all too happy to shed that reminder of his depressing occupation. "I've known for ages that you were gay."

Albus looked stunned. "You did? How could you have possibly known? I never gave a sign!"

Snape snorted. "Oh, there were signs and more. First of all, there was that ghastly purple velvet robe. No straight man would be caught dead wearing something like that. And you also stared at my arse at every opportunity."

Dumbledore looked chagrined. "I do apologize, my dear boy. I did not mean to make you uncomfortable. But you see, it was not often visible under those robes. Can you blame a man for enjoying a nice sight when it is availed to him?"

"It really is a nice arse," Grindelwald said helpfully.

"You've known all this time!" Albus still could not believe it. "For Merlin's sake, if I had known that, I would have come out years ago!" He noticed that Snape was alone. No one should be alone on such a fine and glorious day as his coming out! "What of Lily, your true love? Shouldn't you be with her?"

Snape shrugged. "I've already seen her today… or whatever passes for today in a place without time. She's currently with that nauseating four-eyed Gryffindor she married. Right now I'm hoping to get a glimpse of how Lucius is faring. He never quite recovered from the final battle, and his health is failing. I do hope they bury him with that cane," he sighed wistfully. "It certainly gave us some good times."

The look on the old man's face was priceless. "But… I thought… what about Lily as your one true unrequited love?! I thought you were straight, man!"

The former Potions master did not bat an eye. "That was your misapprehension. I am bisexual. Lucius also appreciates my arse. He enjoys bouncing a knut off of it."

Dumbledore's white eyebrows threatened to crawl off his face. "Lucius? Do you mean Lucius Malfoy?! The pillar of the snobbish, elitist Pureblood community?"

Snape smiled malevolently. "The very same Malfoy is a flaming pouf. Why do you think they had only one child? He has a very agreeable arrangement with Narcissa. She can have as many affairs as he like, as can he… with whatever male is agreeable. Frequently, me."

Albus allowed his eyes to peruse the outline of the young man's rear a little more covetously. "Lecherous old man," Snape scolded, but did not look as offended as he had a right to be.

Just then, Sirius Black appeared. "Snape!" he snarled. "Can't even escape you in the afterlife." He failed to conceal a look of disgust toward the two ancient lovers.

"What's wrong, Black? Can't stand to see two men together? Whatever would your brother Regulus think?"

Black looked confused. "What about Reggie? You leave him out of this! He was as straight as they come."

"That's not what I heard. There's a ceremony the Death Eaters sometimes hold called a Dark Revel. It's a glorified orgy… how else do you suppose the Dark Lord gathered new followers? Anyway, I heard that little Reggie was quite popular with the gents. But then he realized that his pureblood-loving parents would never approve, and it drove him spare. Pity he died before I got a go at him."

Black yelled incoherently and lunged for Snape, seizing him by the lapels. Severus smiled lazily. "Yes, that's right, Black. Get up close and personal. You really should get in touch with your flaming side."

Sirius dropped the man as if he'd been burned. "Me, gay? As if! I'm the straightest guy around! Take a look at my room in Grimmauld Place if you don't believe me."

Severus snorted in derision once more. "And the pile of moldering gay porn hidden under your mattress? Albus isn't the only one who needs to come out. You've repressed your homosexual tendencies for so long you don't even know they're there."

"Are you joking? My parents would have died if they knew I was a homo! I would have turned gay in a heartbeat just to torment them! I can't believe I didn't think of that before!"

"It's not too late," Severus purred enticingly.

"But I hate you," Black protested faintly, his will to resist fading fast.

"So?" Snape shrugged. "We can have angry hate!sex."

"I'll buy that." He lunged at his former nemesis, attacking this time with biting kisses. Severus snarled and returned the favor. A strong hand grasped his arse a little too enthusiastically, and he yelped.

"What is this fascination everyone has with my arse?!"


End file.
